I spent the entire night Sunday and day Monday up until my 4:30 euthanasia appointment for Littleman thinking that he was not long for this world. I put it out there on Facebook, I texted and called for support, and worst of all, I put my daughter through the preparation for losing our beloved little friend. Then, at the last minute, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say goodbye. It would have been a fine time to do so, seeing as we had already been crying for days and were emotionally almost prepared – I know Ella was. But I felt like I was jumping the gun somehow. I asked the vet tech to take the catheter out of his paw, paid my bill and, while apologizing profusely (the vet and staff made me feel completely accepted in my decision by the way), I ran out of there like I was running from my own death.
Maybe that’s part of why I can’t let go of Littleman. He came into my life just when my life was getting good. Right before I found him I got sober. Right after finding him I got pregnant with Ella, and although her dad and I didn’t make it, our little family felt complete. It wouldn’t feel complete without our Littleman.
The world seems like a treacherous place to me right now. Too much loss, both of friends and family and financially leaves me feeling insecure and out of sorts. I don’t know if my business will make it. It’s made it this far, but there isn’t much left for retirement. I guess I have to remember to let tomorrow take care of itself. We’re all ok today, even Littleman, asleep on the couch. I hope that’s where he is when he goes, rather than in a vet’s office. Then I wouldn’t have to make any decisions – he would have done it for me.
I received some very supportive and informative emails and comments around this event. I also did some research on what Portland has to offer us when we lose our pets. I have always had my pets’ remains cremated and I have not wished to have the ashes – the pet is gone, the ashes aren’t going to satisfy my grief. But for some people, a full service with casket is what is called for – Dignified Pet Services.
Leave a Comment
No comments yet.
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
